It Never Ends

John let out a frustrated groan out as he pounded the wall several times, saying "Damn it" several times as he did. This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't be. All he wanted was to wake up right now and act like none of this was real. When it really sunk in that it wasn't going to go away John just broke down. He fell to his knees and just started crying. It didn't matter to him if now he looked like less of a man, he was just so guilty. All of this felt like it was on his shoulders like it was his fault and now he could lose his kids.

Elle's voice and presence then registered in his brain causing him to look up at her. Even with his teary eyes he was still able to see the scared, upset look on her face.

"I'm sorry, this is all my fault. I should have listened to you. I-I should have fired Cassie sooner, I-I..." John just stopped and he buried his face in his hands.

This was a mess, such a big mess and he was buried under it.

The wall was the least of her concern right now. John's strength and mass were obvious with every forceful punch into the hallway's wall. Most women would be scared, frightened by the 245 lb pound who looked like he was a mess of emotions. But that wasn't Elle, she knew John too well and cared about him too much to let fear be the thing that stopped her from comforting him. Whether or not it would work, she just needed to show him that he had someone on his side, no matter what, despite what was going on. This truly was a mess, but it wasn't a mess that he solely created. It hurt her to see him hurt and to see how much this would affect him over Cassie taken advantage of what happened.

She had never seen John break down like that. It was alarming a little to see him hunched over and crying. It was usually him who held her close and comforted her when she was in tears. It was an odd reversal, but she didn't think less or differently of him.

Elle bent down beside him, her arms still around him as she held him close to her while he cried. "Sssh, this is not your fault. I do not blame you for this, John. This is all her fault, she took advantage of you and us." She said, rubbing his back gently. She had to fight back her own tears from his emotional break down.

John shook his head. He refused to believe this wasn't his fault. Cassie was after him and he didn't notice. He only continued to give her excuse after excuse. Elle had even warned him and explained to him her concerns over Cassie but he did nothing about it. Only if he told Cassie to leave the house and never come back sooner John was sure none of this would have happened. Had he not made it known he needed help dealing with all the work he was doing none of this would have happened.

"I'm supposed to protect you and our children but I failed." John said, his voice cracking as he spoke.

Elle figured John wouldn't take her words so easily as he had before. The situation was far more worse than it had been. She didn't know what else, or if she could do anything to make John feel better. It just was a bad situation to be end and it pained her deeply.

"You do a damn good job at protecting me and the kids. Cassie wanted revenge and to take advantage of us. You don't know what she would've done if you had fired her in the beginning. She's spiteful, honey. Don't beat yourself up about this." Elle said.

John wasn't. Any other time he would have taken Elle's words to heart and would have felt ten times better about himself as well as the situation. Now though it just wasn't working. He was at the lowest point he's ever been in his life and he didn't know what he could be said or done to get him out of it. John was so tired of hurting everyone, why did he have to keep causing trouble for him and his family?

"You deserve someone so much better than me." John muttered as he looked down at Elle, not able to look her in the eye. He was so ashamed of himself.

Elle could literally feed off of John's pain. She was normally so strong because of John, but breaking down like this, was breaking her down as well. She was stumped and unsure of what to do and what was to happen next. That's what scared, the lack of knowing what would happen in their future. As much as she tried to fight it, she couldn't help that her mind had drifted off to the damage that could be inflicted upon on her family should all of this play off in the worse way. It was a terrifying thought.

"You're what I want, John. This changes nothing between us. I love you." Elle said.

I. Love. You. That should make anyone feel better, make all the pain they were feeling go away but this wasn't like every situation. Those three words only seemed to make things worse for John. Those words towards him felt so undeserving, he didn't think he should be loved by Elle after all he's done to her. She was so sweet, so loving, so amazing. How could someone like him deserve someone like her?

"You shouldn't. I'm a horrible person, you would be better off without me." John said.

He finally looked up at Elle with a tear stained face then slowly stood up to his feet. It wasn't an easy task, his break down had taken most of his strength making his feet feel wobbly as he began walking. John went into their bedroom then closed the door and locked it.

Seeing John not respond to the words she had repeated over and over again throughout their marriage, hurt her probably more than what was already going on. She knew this was weighing heavily on John, but she thought at least her reassurance would do him just a little good. Sadly, she was wrong and his words in response, is what had her break down. Tears actually fell for the first time at them. She was too numb to feel them and to wipe them away.

Despite what she felt, her eyes were watching John's every move. "What are you-?" She began to ask, but was cut off as the door to the bedroom was closed.

John walked over to the bed slowly before his legs gave out underneath him and he sat on the floor, his back against the bed. He didn't know what he wanted to do with himself, he just wished he go back and take away all the pain he's ever caused anyone in his life. Maybe then he wouldn't feel like such a burden on everyone else.

Elle got onto her feet after a little while. Maybe some space would be what John right now. She'd leave him alone. She went downstairs to grab the house phone, calling a few of the kids friend's parents to ask if they could stay over for the night. She hated to do this, especially after hearing that they were neglectful parents, but the kids didn't need to be home around this right now. She talked on the phone briefly as she got all the kids arranged to spend the night.

John's eyes moved across the room to the mini fridge he had put into their room. It was where they stored some of their beers and wine so the kids wouldn't get their hands on it. He slowly moved over to it then grabbed the case of beers and pulled one of the cans from the box. Not the best way to drown your sorrows but this is what was going to have to do for right now.

Elle hung up the phone once she called the last parent. It dawned on her that the kids, didn't have any clothes to spend the night in or for the next day. She went back upstairs and went into each of their rooms to pack an overnight back. Once they were ready, she went over to their bedroom. "John, I'll be right back. Going to drop something off for the kids." She said from the other side of the door.

John didn't answer as he took another sip of beer. He wasn't trying to be mean to Elle, he just wanted to believe he was non existent to her anymore. Maybe things could get better for her if he didn't continue screwing things up.

John had finished his first can pretty quickly and moved onto a second. It didn't help much but the more alcohol he consumed the better he felt.

Elle stayed by the door for a few moments before sighing when she got no answer. She walked away from the door and went downstairs. She grabbed the keys to her car and walked outside.

John groaned when his back started acting up and causing him some pain. Sitting against a wall probably wasn't the best thing for his back at the moment since he had been having problems with it. He took another large sip of beer but that didn't knock the pain so he slowly got back up to his feet then walked towards the bathroom.

Elle figured, she'd save some of the ladies the trouble and picked up the kids since she was at. She avoided the questions the kids had about "where daddy was" or "why aren't we coming home". It wasn't easy, but the kids seemed somewhat satisfied by her answers and about the idea of having an impromptu sleepover on a school night. She was thankful to have become friends with the mothers that she did, they were more than willing to have the kids over for the night after hearing about what was going on. She got each of the kids dropped off and returned home about an hour later.

Pain medication and alcohol didn't mix. Any other day John would have paid attention to that fact but his mind was all over the place today and he couldn't think straight. That's why by the time Elle had arrived home there were paramedics and an ambulance at their house.

His mom had arrived fifteen minutes earlier to make a surprise visit because she missed him, Elle, and her grandchildren. She also heard about all their problems so she wanted to make sure they were alright. When Carol saw John's car in the driveway but no one answered the doo that's when she became concerned. Thankfully she was given a key to the house a while ago she had let herself in.

"John." Carol called out as she looked around.

A bad feeling was in the pit of her stomach as she looked around. She went through the kitchen then began walking up the stairs. Carol called her son's name again but didn't receive an answer for the second time. After opening a few bedroom door she came up to Elle and John's room. It was locked. Now that bad feeling started becoming stronger. As a mother she had a few tricks up her sleeve so she took a hair pin from her hair and jiggled it around in the lock to break the door open. Once inside the room she looked around again and her heart stopped when she made it to the bathroom. Fear and panic ran through her when she saw John lying on the floor with pills scattered around next to him. Carol quickly called 911 then did everything she was told to get John to at least start breathing again by the time the paramedics showed up.

She was now standing on the driveway of the house with tears streaming down her face as John was loaded onto the ambulance.

It wouldn't the first time a bit of chaos occurred in their driveway. Paparazzi and news cameras sometimes surrounded their home if something big was going on between the two of them. But this, this wasn't what was going on in the driveway of her home.

Ambulance, cop cars there to keep any unwanted people from coming inside or getting too close to the situation. This wasn't normal and she felt her heart drop. She quickly got out of her car and just as she did, she saw John's body being loaded into the back of the ambulance.

God knows how she was able to run over there or how she managed to find a voice to scream out "JOHN!", it was a mix of a yell and wail. She was thinking the worse, his body was lifeless and she thought the love her life was on his way dying. She seriously didn't see Carol as she ran over, her eyes and focus narrowed and all she saw was John.

Elle was held back by a policeman as she approached. "Let me go!" She flailed, her voice breaking as tears were now starting to pour down her face. She was pretty much restrained despite her protests. "Let me go! That's my husband! Let me see him! John! JOHN!" She screamed and the louder and more she tried to get away, the harder she began to cry as this scene played out in front of her.

Everything seemed to be going in slow motion as Carol watched in agony at what was going on. Elle's cries broke her in heart into pieces and she went over to her to try to give her as much comfort as she could. Carol placed a hand on Elle's arm then pulled her into a hug.

"It's going to be okay." Carol whispered, not to sure of what she was saying at the moment.

Neither of them were asked if they wanted to get onto the ambulance truck with John. The paramedics wanted to get to the hospital quickly she was guessing but it killed her to watch the doors close with the thought that this could be the last time she saw her son ever again in her head. Tears were rolling down Carol's cheeks as the ambulance pulled out of the driveway and headed to the nearest hospital then slowly turned her head to the police officer that speaking. Her state of mind wasn't focused at the moment and she couldn't seem to find her voice so when the police officer told her he would bring her and Elle to the hospital to be with John all she could do was nod her head.

Elle just felt nothing. She could barely register or acknowledge Carol's embrace. She hadn't felt this numb in so long. She felt as if a part of her was ripped out as she watched the doors closed once John was inside of the ambulance and drove way. Carols words might as well have fell upon deaf ears cause she honestly could process nothing. All that was going on within in her was the image of what she had just seen replay in her head and that caused her to break down more. It would probably come to a surprise to herself that she hadn't had a panic attack by now.

Her tears were uncontrollable no matter how much she wiped them away. As much as she didn't want to she didn't to think about losing her only love and the father to her kids. Her kids...how would she explain to them what happened to daddy. Then she suddenly felt responsible. If she had been more persistent when he walked away he wouldn't be where he was at right now.

"This was all my fault..." Her voice was raspy and barely above a whisper. She wiped her eyes as sobbed. She didn't follow the cop right away, after failing again at trying to compose herself. She managed to get herself together to walk to the car and she got into the backseat. She was probably shaking from crying so hard.

Carol was confused when she heard what Elle had said but chose not to ask yet because she didn't want to push her right now. She wasn't about to be one of those people who would point fingers at the closest person just to try to make sense of it all. Carol couldn't nor did she want to admit but from the pills near him when she found him it may have looked like a suicide. That thought made her put her hand over her mouth to try to control the sobs that were threatening to come. She looked over at her daughter in law as the police officer started driving and gently rubbed her arm to try to calm her down.

---

John arrived at the hospital, still unconscious, and was escorted to the emergency room. They had to revive him once during the ride when he stopped breathing but seemed to have a chance right now but they needed to move fast.

Elle just wanted this car ride to be over, she wanted to be at the hospital right now. This car ride was unbearable, cause from the car she had no idea what was going on with John. She had no idea what was going on with John and seriously felt like she was about to lose him, which was killing her. Never did she think she could possibly lose John--the strongest person she had ever known--this soon or in this way. She had no idea how he was found or what had happened to him, but from what she'd seen it was enough to have her this panicked, God knows how she'd be once the details were given to her. She felt Carol rub her arm, the first thing she'd felt since she came up to the house and she sniffled, her head looking out the window. Elle wanted to be strong for her mother-in-law who had been there for her, her family, and John for all these years, but couldn't find the strength. This was taking a toll on the both of them.

Carol didn't mind being the strong one right now. It tore her apart to have what was supposed to be a fun visit into a terrible nightmare but she knew Elle needed someone to be there for her, to be the rock that could be the rock to hold her up during this time. One they got to the hospital they were told John was in surgery and they had to wait in the waiting room. The dreadful waiting room. She let out a heavy sigh and looked around helplessly then whispered to Elle that they should sit before she escorted them both over to some chairs.

---

A few hours later John was in a hospital room fast asleep after getting his stomach pumped. They had found pain medication and a high amount of alcohol in his system so they had ruled it an attempted suicide and put him on psychiatric watch. He was lucky to be alive at this point, had his mother or the paramedics been a moment too late he would have probably been dead.

Elle felt cold as she walked into the hospital with Carol. The relief that she thought would come over her, didn't. All she wanted was to see him, get some sort of answers, reassurance that he was or would be okay. She just wanted the thoughts in her head that had the vision of her husband dead to go away.

Answer finally came and she didn't like the idea of being in surgery. Didn't put her to ease as much as she thought either. She wrapped her arms around herself and went to the waiting room. More waiting, lovely. As if they hadn't waited around, watched, and let their minds wander for long enough. She just wanted to see John. Was that asking too much?

Elle took a seat on the chair and she looked forward blankly. "What happened, Carol?" Elle managed to ask.

Carol looked at Elle with a tear stained face when she heard the question that was directed to her. She simply shook her head. She didn't know what happened, she wasn't the one who could provide an answer to that question. Only John could. But damn it Carol wished she could. She wished she could have been with John to know what he was going through, what he was doing during those moments before he took the pills. She wanted to know why he did it in the first place and why he felt that was the only answer to all the family's problems. Was it even a suicide? Or just a bad judgement on his part? She didn't know, there were too many questions but no answers.

"I-I-I don't know. I walked in and he was lying on the floor...pills all around him." Carol said, wiping away tears as she spoke.